The IOC is meeting in Moscow this week to decide 1) where they want to send Jim Gray in the summer of 2008 and 2) who will lead the Olympic movement into the 19th century. I'm not in Moscow (thank goodness -- I would've missed Troy Glaus's performance in the Home Run Derby), and I've never been bribed (except for that curling stone I took home from Calgary), but that's not going to stop me from handicapping the fields.

HOST CITY, 2008

I only know Istanbul from the They Might Be Giants cover of the Neil Simon tune, "Istanbul (Not Constantinople.)" While I like the song well enough, I think we should wait until there's another Winter Games in Zurich so we can look forward to Turkey and Swiss.

Osaka has a certain appeal because Team USA has some unfinished business in Japan, namely Getting To The Bottom Of That Fire Extinguisher Incident In Nagano.

Ah, Paris. Beach volleyball under the Eiffel Tower. Marathoning down the Champs Elysees. Fencing in the Louvre ("Psst, wanna buy the Mona Lisa?") There is no doubt that the City of Lights would be a romantic place to hold the Olympics. Historic, too. And I can't wait for that tribute to Mickey Rourke during the Opening Ceremonies.

Toronto. A friendly, beautiful, cosmopolitan city with a world view that was actually big enough to hold David Wells -- twice. It would be the best Olympics ever. Therefore, the IOC will award the Games to some other city.

Beijing. Human rights violations. The same basic time zone as the Sydney and Nagano Games. ("Next up: Something that you read about in yesterday's paper.") Bird embryos as finger food. American photographer beaten up at Three Tenors concert. Men who squat as often as Pudge Rodriguez and loogie twice as far as Roberto Alomar. And pollution that makes Baltimore seem like Telluride. (This reporter is still coughing up air particles from a trip to Beijing 17 years ago.)

I'm there.

LORD OF THE RINGS

Hard to believe, but Juan Antonio Samaranch actually got his start in roller hockey. His Excellency will have to give up his skate key Monday when the IOC selects his replacement. Some say he was dictatorial, others that he fostered an atmosphere of patronage and corruption, still others that he looked like the guy who lifted weights with his genitalia at the Club Baghdad in Barcelona. I say, thanks for Cobi.

Anita DeFrantz, U.S. An attorney and former rower who speaks many languages. Woman. African-American. Champions the rights of athletes. You tell me if she's a got a snowball's chance in the midsummer heat of Moscow.

Pal Schmitt, Hungary. A diplomat and former fencing gold medalist who speaks many languages. Pal will be hurt by his first name's similarity to that of Bud Selig.

Un Young Kim, South Korea. A former spy and taekwondo honcho who speaks many languages. Hey, just because his son, John, got a job arranged by the Salt Lake City organizers after dad voted them the 2002 Winter Games doesn't mean anything. Or at least it won't if Kim is elected.

Richard Pound, Canada. A tax lawyer and former swimmer who speaks many languages. The chief negotiator for TV rights and sponsorship deals, Pound is also at the forefront of the effort to rid the Games of doping and scandal. But he may be hurt by the fact that his wife had a run-in with Atlanta police after they stopped her from crossing the street during the '96 Games. Actually, given the feelings the Olympic movement has for Atlanta, that may help him.

Jacques Rogge, Belgium. An orthopedic surgeon and former yachtsman who speaks many languages. Criticism of Rogge is that he is indecisive, but Olympic writers are just dying to use those Belgian waffle jokes. Don't Knock The Rogge.

So there you have it. Can I have Brussels sprouts with my General Tso's?

Steve Wulf is executive editor of ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at steve.wulf@espnmag.com.