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Friday, May 18
Updated: May 21, 11:56 AM ET
It was beautiful, it was ugly

By Jayson Stark
ESPN.com

It wasn't a no-hitter. It was a James Bond movie. (Uh, "Never Say Never?")

It wasn't the kind of no-hitter Catfish Hunter would have thrown. It was the kind of no-hitter Mitch Williams would have thrown.

It was more walkathon than baseball classic, more "Beavis and Butthead" than Hardy Boys, more "Major League" than "Field of Dreams."


	A.J. Burnett is mobbed by teammates after getting the final out.

But whatever the heck kind of no-hitter A.J. Burnett's nine-walk, one-HBP, one-WP no-no was for the Marlins last Saturday night, we loved it. We loved it because it summed up why we love baseball.

It followed no scripts. It came from so far out of the blue, it should have had a soundtrack by Blues Traveler.

It wasn't authored by Pedro Martinez, Greg Maddux, Roger Clemens, Mike Mussina, Mike Hampton or Curt Schilling. It was authored by a guy with seven career wins, who had been off the disabled list for six days, who had just burned his pitching hand while ironing.

You couldn't have made this one up.

When you think of a no-hitter, you think of perfection. You think of, say, Don Larsen's perfect game. So what should we call a game like this?

"It was an imperfect game," Marlins left fielder Cliff Floyd told Week in Review. "That's for sure. But you know what? You can call it a lot of things. But it was still one of the best nights I ever had in baseball. I felt like I was in the World Series."

We should probably point out that no pitcher has walked nine in a World Series game in 54 years. And nobody has walked nine and won a World Series game since 1910 (when Jack Coombs did it for the Philadelphia A's).

But whatever. There's nothing more electrifying than a no-hitter, no matter what size or shape it is. "I wouldn't mind a pretty no-hitter," Burnett conceded afterward. "But a no-hitter's a no-hitter, in my book."

You betcha.

So here's some of the dirt we've dug up on one of the messiest no-hitters ever twirled.

The Stretch Drive
You won't see many no-hitters where the no-hit pitcher gets to work from the stretch in six of the nine innings. But Burnett did it. Heck, he was in a stretch position more than Kiana. Burnett actually was the first pitcher to have company on the bases in that many innings of a complete-game no-hitter since Nolan Ryan on Sept. 28, 1974 -- 60 no-hitters ago.

"I didn't even notice until like the sixth inning it was a no-hitter," Floyd said. "I mean, he walked four or five guys before that. He hit a guy. When you've got guys on first and second all the time, you totally forget whether they got there on a walk or a hit-by-pitch. Then around the sixth inning, I said, 'Damn, this is a no-hitter.'"

The Box Score
Since this was one of the great box-score lines of all time, let's just lay it out there:

9 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 9 BB, 7 K, 1 HBP, 1 WP, 129 pitches, 65 strikes.

The fascination of this particular line would include these highlights:

Burnett piled up more walks than the previous five National League no-hit pitchers put together (seven).

He was just the sixth no-hit pitcher since 1955 to walk more than he whiffed -- and the first in the NL since Dock Ellis (8 BB, 6 K) on June 12, 1970.

He threw 56 pitches from the stretch.

And he had almost as many runners on base (10) as Nolan Ryan had in his last four no-hitters combined (11).

But Floyd said he thought it helped Burnett that he was "effectively wild." We now interrupt this conversation to point out that "effectively wild" is a term used to define a pitcher who walks nine while throwing a no-hitter.

And if he'd walked nine and given up, say, two hits, Floyd conceded, "then all everybody talks about is the walks."

Best Headline
From the San Diego Union Tribune: "OOOOOOOOO, NO."

Best A.J. Burnett Quote
Asked how his family enjoyed this event, Burnett reported: "My wife was crying. My mom and dad were crying. Even my little boy was crying. Of course, he's 2 months old, so it's normal."

The History
The Elias Sports Bureau can't verify this. But can we safely assume that Burnett is the first man with two nipple rings ever to throw a no-hitter?

"I don't know for sure," Floyd said. "But I'd put the house on that one."

Burnett is also believed to be the first man ever to throw a no-hitter just a few days after burning his pitching hand. While ironing -- his jeans.

Under normal circumstances, we might give the guy some kind of injury-of-the-week award. But since he pitched a no-hitter, we'll just predict he'll forge the path for baseball's next trendy pregame superstition.

"There might be a lot of guys with tape around their hands going out to pitch after that," Floyd said.

The Quandry
As Burnett's pitch count mounted -- to 101 after seven innings, to 120 after eight -- manager John Boles was squirming on the bench. His dilemma? Trying to figure out how many pitches Burnett would have to throw before he took him out.

Boles finally decided the magic number was 140.

But his teammates had other ideas.

"If he'd come out to get him," Floyd announced, "I'd have run in all the way from left field and said, 'Skip, come on. This is history.'"

Yeah. That would have worked.

The Pressure
Imagine what it's like to play behind a pitcher throwing a no-hitter as action-packed as this one. Once Floyd figured out it was a no-hitter, he started contemplating all the pressure he was under if any ball was hit remotely near left field.

"I was thinking, 'I've gotta dive for this. I've gotta dive for that,'" he said. "If a ball's going up in the stands, you push people out of the way and catch it, even if you've gotta go into like the 10th row. If you have to knock an ice-cream cone out of some kid's hand, you do it. Then you say, 'Here's 10 bucks. Go buy yourself a couple more.'"

John Kruk once said, after playing first base in a Terry Mulholland no-hitter, that he was praying nobody would hit a ball to him. But Floyd said he did want at least one ball hit his way.

"Yeah," he said. "You want the last one hit to you, so you can be on all the highlights."

He didn't get his wish, though. That last pop-up was hit to the shortstop, Alex Gonzalez.

"When I saw it," Floyd said, "I started running in as fast as I could -- so I could at least get in the pictures."

The legacy
One thing you can say about this no-hitter: At least there was more to show on the highlight reels than just plate ump Joe Brinkman signaling ball four.

There was the sixth-inning web gem by second baseman Luis Castillo on Bubba Trammell: shot up the middle; amazing burst by Castillo to field it on the shortstop side of second base; perfect scoop by first baseman Derrek Lee.

There was an even better play in the seventh by Gonzalez on Alex Arias: rocket into the shortstop hole; sliding grab on one knee by Gonzalez; acrobatic two-step off the bag, scoop and tag by Lee.

And there was one final trip to the leather shop in the eighth, when right fielder Eric Owens roared 50 feet into foul territory, right through the bullpen, to run down a one-out fly ball by Ben Davis.

In other words, this was one no-hitter where the fielders had a lot more to do than think about their postgame high-fives.

Asked what he would tell his grandchildren about this game, Floyd said he didn't plan any fairy tales.

"I'd tell them it was the wildest one ever, even if you go back 100 years," he said. "Nine walks. Hit batter. Guys at third all the time. Bases loaded. Double plays with the guy at first coming off the base to get the throw. Eric Owens running into the bullpen to make a catch. Can't sugarcoat it. Gotta tell it like it was."

The ballpark vibes
Maybe the most incredible aspect of this whole night, though, was that while this was only the second no-hitter ever pitched in this ballpark -- San Diego Jack Murphy Qualcomm This Space Available Stadium -- it might not even have been the most bizarre no-hitter in the history of the park, let alone the history of the game.

That's because the first was pitched by Ellis, who later admitted he pitched it while orbiting San Diego on LSD.

When someone mentioned that to Burnett the next day, he quipped: "I was drugged up, too -- on Excedrin and Sudafed."

But we're glad Dock Ellis' name came up. After all, he's living proof that while A.J. Burnett's no-hitter wasn't suitable for hanging in the Louvre, it doesn't even make our Top Five Ugliest No-Hitters of All Time. Which are coming right up in ...

Ugliness of the week
You want proof that no-hitters can be way more unsuitable for family audiences than Burnett's? We'll give you proof, with these five no-hitters that were such messes, all videotape evidence that they even existed was promptly destroyed (or should have been).

One small editor's aside here, though: For purposes of this collection, we've suspended the old Fay Vincent rule that no-hitters of under nine innings don't count.

OK, here they come, the Top Five Ugliest No-Hitters of All Time:

First prize: Steve Barber, Orioles vs. Tigers, April 30, 1967
This is another one of those games that goes into a special category because A) Barber didn't go all nine innings and B) he found a way to lose his own no-hitter (on one earned run).

The Line: 8 2/3 IP, 0 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 10 BB, 3 K, 2 HBP, 1 WP

Among this game's claims to fame, according to Joe Dittmar's invaluable book, "The Baseball Records Registry":

Barber and reliever Stu Miller allowed the most baserunners in any no-hitter ever: 14.

Three Tigers (Bill Freehan, Mickey Stanley and Norm Cash) reached base three times apiece -- in a game in which their team was no-hit.

Barber and Miller were the first tag team to lose a combined no-hitter.

It was the only nine-inning no-hitter to feature 10 walks (not to mention two hit batters, a wild pitch and two errors).

And it was the only no-hitter in which there were eight different innings in which the team that got no-hit put a runner on base.

This game reached its thrilling conclusion in the ninth. The Orioles led 1-0 after eight. But Barber walked the first two hitters.

Then Earl Wilson bunted them into scoring position. Out came manager Hank Bauer to the mound to suggest Barber throw a few more strikes.

"If you think it's bad in there," Barber said, nodding toward the dugout, "you ought to be out here."

Barber sucked it up to get Willie Horton on a foul pop-up for the second out -- and got to within one strike of glory by jumping ahead of Stanley, 1-and-2. But then he wild-pitched in the tying run, walked Stanley and got yanked by Bauer.

In came Miller from the 'pen to try to finish the inning. And he did get Don Wert to thump a hard groundball to shortstop. But rookie second baseman Mark Belanger dropped Luis Aparicio's throw for what would have been an inning-ending forceout. And the Orioles lost, 2-1.

Barber's best postgame quotes: "In all honesty, I didn't deserve a no-hitter." ... "It was not a work of art." ... "They probably didn't get a hit because I didn't throw anything close enough to the plate." ... And: "I don't know how many pitches I threw today -- 300, I think."

Second prize: Andy Hawkins, Yankees vs. White Sox, July 1, 1990
The Line: 8 IP, 0 H, 4 R, 0 ER, 5 BB, 3 K

Claim to ugliness: Hawkins was the first pitcher to lose a no-hitter by four runs. He gave up as many runs as had been allowed in the previous 61 no-hitters combined. And he gave the New York Post a chance to splash a back-page headline which read: "OH, NO-HITTER."
Funniest quote: White Sox manager Jeff Torborg said afterward: "I've heard the old adage, 'Make the most of your hits.' But what was this -- 'Make the most of no hits?'"

Third prize: Jim Maloney, Reds vs. Cubs, August 19, 1965
The Line: 10 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 10 BB, 12 K, 1 HBP

Claim to ugliness: The 10 walks were the most ever in a complete-game no-hitter (extra-inning division). Maloney needed to throw 187 pitches -- 78 more than opposing starter Larry Jackson (who also went 10 innings). He ran 14 full counts. And he allowed six of the last 14 hitters he faced to reach base.
A.J. Burnett comparison: Believe it or not, despite all those baserunners and the added bonus of extra innings, Maloney worked from the stretch in fewer innings (five) than Burnett did in his no-hitter (six).

Fourth prize: Dock Ellis, Pirates vs. Padres, June 12, 1970
The Line: 9 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 8 BB, 6 K, 1 HBP

Claim to ugliness: Hallucinogenic reasons aside, Ellis put runners on base in five of the first six innings, allowed three stolen bases, walked .219-hitting second baseman Steve Huntz three times and future ESPN analyst Dave Campbell once.
Even greater claim to ugliness: Only no-hitter in history to be the subject of a major feature story in High Times magazine and on the Psychedelic Shakespeare Solution web site.
Historic quote: Ellis took LSD because he didn't even know he was pitching that night until 1 p.m., and he wasn't even in the right city at the time. His recollection: "I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego , but I didn't know it ... I thought it was an off-day."

Fifth prize: Joe Cowley, White Sox vs. Angels, September 19, 1986
The Line: 9 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 7 BB, 8 K

Claim to ugliness: Cowley threw 138 pitches -- excactly half of them balls. He was so bad, he almost got taken out of the game in the sixth inning, when he walked the bases loaded and went 3 and 1 on Reggie Jackson. And he never won another game in the big leagues.
Best quotes: The Angels' Wally Joyner refused to call this a no-hitter, saying: "We didn't get a hit. That's all that happened. I'm not even frustrated by it because it wasn't impressive." And Cowley's bizarre quote -- one you'll never see after another no-hitter -- went: "I can't believe it happened. I was just glad to be able to finish out the sixth inning."

Jayson Stark is a Senior Writer at ESPN.com. Week in Review appears each Friday.

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