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| The 2001 NFL All-Resented Team By Ralph Wiley Page 2 columnist | ||
You know 'em, you hate 'em. It's the 2001 NFL All-Resented Team: COACH: BRIAN BILLICK, RAVENSThe Emperor, The Mentor, The Man Too Big To Say He Told You So ... But He Told You So. The offensive genius who won the Super Bowl with D ... HIS D, OK? The man who painted "The Resurrection of Elvis," then chewed off ears. Not his. Ours. The man who said on HBO, "Mr. DeMille? I'm ready for my close-up now."
Bad, bad, bad, bad boy. Moonwalked into the end zone. Moonwalking got Michael Jackson diplomatic immunity and the title "King of Pop." It got Randy fined and the title "King of Pop-Off." Randy Moss catches 80-odd balls for 1,500 yards and 12-13 TDs, and takes your breath away doing it -- and for this, he's Osama bin Randy. Says he plays hard when he wants to, turns it on when he needs to. For an $18 mil signing bonus, he should play hard on every play, including defensive plays! He should be running wind sprints on the sideline when the other offense snaps the ball! God, it's fun piling on, ain't it? WR: KEYSHAWN JOHNSON, BUCS Wolfgang Buc. Resented for having a restaurant, and ... oh, yeah ... for having a mouth like a pneumatic drill. Even some TV football commentators want him disappeared. We don't know why. Without the Keyshawns of the world, TV football commentators would be out to pasture, trying to scrape field oysters off their boots with hickory sticks.
Even Otis Redding would call him Mr. Pitiful. Resented for every pouting tantrum or shameless grab for attention at the Cowboys' star. But these are cries for help. And 49ers coach Steve Mariucci would like to help him. He'd like to help him pack for Cleveland. People who score 18 TDs in a year don't grow on trees -- although they sometimes act like they did. WR: TERRY GLENN, COUCH POTATO, PATRIOTS The "She" of Bill Parcells/Miss Cleo fame, Glenn is resented all over New England for having "Donna" tattooed one on arm, and "Prima" on the other. WR: DAVID BOSTON, CARDINALS, GOLD'S GYM Also known as The King of Swole. Resented by Rick Moranis, Tim Allen and 98-pound weaklings everywhere. Also, David Boston doesn't realize, he'll never get invited to Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch with his arms looking like that! TE: SHANNON SHARPE, RAVENS Resentment magnet. Resented by Takeo Spikes for comparing him to a bad movie REST OF OL: THE DENVER BRONCOS Official O-line of the American Society of Orthopedic Surgeons. Resented by chop-block victims from Bryan Cox to whoever's next in the OR.
Resented by certain helmetless New York Jets for going appropriately apes--- on them. Loved by Coach Jim "Trog" Haslett & QB Aaron "Rubber Band" Brooks. QB: RYAN LEAF, COWBOYS Resented by ex-Chargers GM Bobby Beathard, who took a chance on him and drafted him even though Woodson was sitting there all available and everything. Leaf repaid Beathard by being insufferable as well as uncoachable. FB: JOHN RITCHIE, RAIDERS Resented by the Jimi Hendrix estate for saying he'll go to Hendrix's grave and eat the grass off of it, the better to ingest immortal inspiration. Not resented by the makers of Prilosec, or the American Psychiatric Association. RB: MIKE ALSTOTT AND WARRICK DUNN, BUCS Resented by the Tampa Bay fans for fumbling in Alstott's case, not hitting up in there in Dunn's. Truth is, they're both specialty backs, Betwixt and Between. Alstott -- size and nifty feet but no burst and tends to drop it; Dunn -- shifty, good feet, a burst, good hands, but Bucs DL Warren Sapp doesn't call him "Little People" for nothing. KR: EDDIE KENISON, BRONCOS, ANGST, CHIEFS NFL's only conscientious objector. Resented by ex-teammates on Broncos and football hawks, who ask, in a Slim Pickens-in-"Dr. Strangelove" voice, "If he ain't a-willing to die, then what's he a-living for?!
He's Ecstatic. But the Raiders run D isn't. Resented by Raidermania in the Black Hole for ruining their Christmas with his pending suspension. Not resented by the Bus, Jerome Bettis, who might face the Raiders in the playoffs. DT: WARREN SAPP, BUCS Resented by Pittsburgh DB Lee Flowers. "Paper champion" label won't go away. Not resented by sideline cameras and reporters. Sapp gives great reaction shots. LB: RAY LEWIS, RAVENS Resented by 40 other players in the league who think they are -- or at least know -- a better LB. LB: BILL ROMANOWSKI, BRONCOS Resented by J.J. Stokes and anyone else he ever spit on. Resented by cheap-shot artists from all walks of life. Romo tends to give them all a bad name. LB: LAVAR ARRINGTON, REDSKINS Resented by refs, who have their hands on their little yellow penalty hankies as soon as LaVar, also known as Wolverine, takes the field. Refs keep their hands on their flags the whole game, the way Gene Hackman (as Little Bill) kept his hand on his gun at all times in "Unforgiven."
Resented by Cris Carter, and that's pretty much it . But in Sehorn's mind, he is resented by the gremlins who edit ESPN's SportsCenter highlights and focus on his occasional misstep in coverage. To Jason, he is resented by belt-manufacturers. He's resented by all the soap-opera actors who ever dated or even wanted to date his wife; he's resented by the Giants' GM Ernie Accorsi who doesn't realize how hard it is, being a cover corner, while not smudging your makeup. He's resented by Tom Cruise, because Jason knows he looks better and moves better. We don't even want to talk about "All the Right Moves," do we? CB: DRÉ BLY, RAMS Dré is resented by some fans as the second coming of Deion Sanders. Deion could get away with some showbiz because athletically he was not like you and me, and he was not like Dré and Sehorn, or anybody else. So the hand to the side of the helmet when scoring, the drum-major kickout, the heel-and-toe "Too Legit to Quit" end zone dancing thing ... Dré ... it ain't Hammer Time no more. Deion is down with Bishop T.D. Jakes now. So unless you're willing to tithe, freeze the faux-Deion. Be you. That should be plenty to cause resentment, on your own! S: RODNEY HARRISON, CHARGERS Resented by offensive players throughout the league for stoning all their plays in a most bestial way, then offering running commentary about it. K: THE GRAMATICAS, CARDINALS, BUCS Resented by just about everybody for jumping around after basic ho-hum field goals. When you are cannon fodder for Jimmy Kimmel, you're on your way to the Resentment Hall of Shame. When Kornheiser and Wilbon both say they're glad you got hurt -- where is there to turn then for understanding? (See American Society of Orthopedic Surgeons.) Here's a suggestion: Keeck the touchdown, get off the field, don't ask anybody why do they think they call it foot-ball.
Resented by Johnnie Morton for making the Detroit Lions the butt of easy-to-write jokes for a solid month. Johnnie said Jay could "Kiss my ass!" after the Lions won their first game. Jay, not being one to miss any pub opportunity, brought Johnnie on the air and, to get revenge, showed Johnnie's film clip from his appearance in "Jerry Maguire." Freeze it! That's Johnnie right there -- there, can't you see him? Tom Cruise just walked past a potted palm and ... right there! See? Oh, forget it. Jay is also resented by Jason Sehorn, who can't believe Jay invited Johnnie, just because Sehorn got burned a couple times, and Johnnie went to USC, too. AGENT: SCOTT BORAS, MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE Leigh Steinberg resents Boras, baseball agent du jour, pondering moving into football. People say the contracts aren't guaranteed in football, there's a salary cap, Boras doesn't know what he's getting into. No? Agents take their cut of the full contract right off the top. Why do you think signing bonuses are so high? Boras says he takes 5 percent off the top -- not counting advances, interest on advances, administrative costs, fees for accounting services, fees for "personal services" -- get the drift? So what is 5-10 percent of, oh, say, Resented Randy Moss' $75 mil contract? Isn't that $3.75 mil, minimum, and as much as $7 mil out of that $18 mil signing bonus, which is also taxed at a 40 percent rate? No wonder Randy plays half the time. He got half the money! Somehow, "Show me half the money! Show me some money, at least!" doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? HALL OF FAMER: O.J. SIMPSON He's Ecstatic. You're not. OWNER: JERRY JONES, COWBOYS The Divine Mr. J; hey, a little bit 'o plastic surgery, a nip-&-tuck here or there, never hurt anybody. Might have made them look ridiculous, but didn't hurt them. Jerry Jones is sure not resented by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (if you'll notice, surgeons make out pretty well in the NFL), but he is resented by Jimmy Johnson. And they went to college together, won two Super Bowls together. If they can wind up resenting each other, there's hope for everybody in the league.
Resented by drunken stadium fans everywhere else, just on style. The Black Hole makes Cleveland's Dawg Pound look like a bus station full of drunk, spavined, bovine, rag-armed, shop-at-the-Salvation-Army-store sore losers. We all know by now that nobody craps on Cleveland and gets away with it -- except NFL refs, Art Modell, Sam Sheppard, F. Lee Bailey, John Elway, Jordan over Ehlo ... Well, anyway, the Anne Rice/Kiss-inspired costume design for the Black Hole is the fully resented envy of NFL teams and fans everywhere. Black is now included in nearly every team's color scheme. The Black Hole costume design is Oscar-caliber, imitated from New Orleans to the Meadowlands. As we know, resentment is the sincerest form of imitation. Or something like that. Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir." |
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