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Bakay's Tale of Tape: Dominator vs. Dominatrix
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

In the immortal words of Redd Foxx, can't a man relax?


	Dominik Hasek

For some, relaxation means popping a cold pilsner and hunkering down with some playoff hockey. For others, it might involve a latex mask and a dungeon.

I don't judge.

But it's my job to get to the bottom of things. And in a world that includes a cruel and merciless goalie like Dominik Hasek, who better to face off with The Dominator than the unstoppable force of the pain and leisure industry ... The Dominatrix.

The fact is, you don't score on either, but who truly dominates in May? Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape...

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Dominator vs. Dominatrix
Category	Dominator	Dominatrix	Advantage
Sabre	His team	$50 extra	Hasek
Vulcanized rubber	Pucks	Pants	Dominatrix
Signature moves	A sprawling, snow angel save	The gentle pop at the end of a whip	Hasek
Top shelf, where Momma hides the cookies	The best place to score on him	A role-playing game	Push
Red	The color of the new alternate Sabres jerseys	A sign she might have gone too far	Hasek
Red light	A sure sign he let in a goal	A sure sign you're in her neighborhood	Dominatrix
Penalties	Two minutes in the sin bin	Two minutes out of it	Hasek
No	Excuses	Kissing	Hasek
Sudden death	When you play your best	When you call the cops	Hasek
Satan	A teammate	A teammate	Hasek. When was the last time Big Red lit the lamp 30 times in a season?
Fans wear ...	Hasek jerseys	Dog collars	Hasek
Playing hurt	A nuisance	The whole point	Dominatrix
"Screen!"	What he yells when his vision is blocked	The safe word you yell when you want her to stop	Push
A product of	Czech Republic	A bad childhood	Hasek
How they would spend their day with Lord Stanley's Cup	Sit and gaze at it with family and friends	Use it to break your fingers	Hasek
The thin red line	Separates a save from a goal	Separates pleasure from pain	Push
What they live for	A shutout	One salty tear	Push

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. As the smoke clears from a rough and randy session, the advantage goes ... to Dominik Hasek.

Did you really think the finest goaltender in the world would yield to an out-call service you can find in the Yellow Pages? But hang in there, Trixy, I'm sure your loss will be your 4 o'clock appointment's gain.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.