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Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Wilt vs. Shaq
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

In their prime, both were 7-foot giants who dominated the NBA.


	Shaquille O'Neal


	Wilt Chamberlain

Both have played center for the Lakers.

And if you take their word for it, they both drove the lane more than Casanova ...

But when it comes to off-court dominance, who is the ultimate Mac Daddy of lanky Laker lotharios?

Wilt Chamberlain. Shaquille O'Neal. Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape ...

Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Shaq vs. Wilt
Category	Shaq	Wilt	Advantage
Claims to fame	Cindy Crawford	The entire female population of Cleveland	Wilt
Pick-up lines	Wanna help me break Wilt's record?	More than 20,000 served	Wilt
Pre-date meal	Doesn't have time for meals	A sandwich the previous date handed him on the way out	Push
Inner turmoil	Would they date me if I was flippin' burgers?	Eventually, one's bound to be my cousin ...	Wilt
Avoided	Tabloid coverage, 'til now	Commitment	Shaq
Why they do it	Finally rebelling against strict military upbringing	Loves whittling notches in bed post	Shaq
How they say goodbye	"I've got practice, baby."	"Gotta meet 14,837 in Agoura Hills, baby."	Shaq. Ever been to Agoura Hills?
Referred to foreplay as	Dribbling	Straddling the paint	Wilt, in a squeaker
Top secret	He just might be lying.	He didn't reflect in mirrors.	Wilt
Idols	Charlie Sheen	Martin Sheen. Go figure.	Wilt
Turn-ons	Anyone younger than Dyan Cannon	Anything with a pulse	Wilt
Turn-offs	If she's already slept with Rodman	If she expects him to remember her name	Shaq
How they keep score	googleplex.com	An abacus	Wilt
Birth control	Watching his movies	Reminding him he only won one title	Shaq
Feuds	K.O.B.E.	N.O.W.	Wilt
Aphrodisiacs	Five cheerleaders dissing Kobe	300 cheerleaders dissing Bill Russell	Push. Everyone loves cheerleaders, right?

So there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In an old-school rejection from the days before goaltending, the advantage goes to ... Wilt Chamberlain. The Stilt never wilts, but hang in there, Shaq. Your best conquests are yet to come, and I hear Carmen Electra is always looking for a little pub.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.