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Tale of the Tape:
Preseason NFL vs. reruns
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

An interesting thing happened Monday, thanks to the arthroscopic turf at the Vet: A prime-time football game was called off, and the time slot was filled by the only programming that can rival preseason football for irrelevance: network reruns.


	The turf problem at the Vet robbed us of another preseason thriller.

Don't get me wrong, I love my NFL -- but it loses its edge when all that bleeding doesn't even dent the standings.

I also love my network TV -- it puts shoes on my baby's feet, and 92 octane in my luxury car, but God love it, that doesn't mean the stuff is built for multiple viewings, like, say, "The Godfather."

Yet all this moribund viewing be damned, are we about to lift our dimpled hindquarters off our inflatable NFL chairs and see what's going on outdoors? No, we'd rather stick it out, because a true warrior knows that we're knee-deep in the part of the television season that separates the winners from the weenies like a hamburger drill during two-a-days.

So, we've got some hard choices to make: NFL preseason vs. reruns. ... Both offer sloppy execution and meaningless outcomes, but which is the most doldrum-tastic? Let's see how they stack up in the Tale of the Tape.

PRESEASON NFL VS. SUMMER RERUNS
Category	Preseason NFL	Reruns	Advantage
Made you cry	A rookie's touching end-zone tribute to his own groin	A three-hour "Normal, Ohio" marathon	Preseason NFL
Viewing audience	Overweight single males	Does "viewing audience" include people who just have the TV on?	Preseason NFL
They come with the territory	45 consecutive incompletions	Wacky neighbors	Push
Timeout fun	Dan Fouts guides us through a brief history of Indianapolis' right tackles.	Sexy people recommend Doritos	Reruns
Filler	Rookies, NFL Europe refugees, Tony Banks	The extras in the inevitable scene at the groovy coffee house	Reruns
Alternative programming	TiVo replay of a game from last season	All-new episode of "Fear Factor"	Preseason NFL ... and your dignity
Your worst fears realized	Watching your favorite player blow out a knee out while running to the sidelines	Watching Mathew Perry squeeze some laughs around trips to rehab	Push
Cliffhanger	Can the Bengals master the forward pass?	Did Buffy give her life for her demonic pseudo-sister?	Reruns. That brave, brave girl ...
The last thing you hear before nodding off	"And the Falcons are back to punt once again ..."	"Dharma, do we have to go to your high-school reunion?"	Reruns
A fine opportunity to	Surprise your lady with your newfound ability to walk away from a game	Startle confused on-lookers with your uncanny accuracy answering "Millionaire" questions	Reruns
Typical banter	"Al, it's like Michael Flatley in the Han Dynasty out there!"	"Restaurant? More like 'r-ass-taurant'!"	Push
Complete unknowns	The special teams in the fourth quarter	The supporting cast on "Becker"	Push
Justifications for watching	I'm researching my fantasy football draft.	Well, I've already tried reading.	Preseason NFL
You'd rather be	Watching a game that mattered	Kicked in the stomach	Preseason NFL

So, there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a two-part-canceled-midseason-replacement-season-ender, the advantage goes to ... Push! Oh m'goodness! I guess it's a toss-up between watching Ryan Leaf warming up for the final series and hearing Niles Crane utter yet another delightful quip about wine-tasting.

But hang in there. In a matter of weeks, the fall will crackle with real football and season premieres. In the meantime, would it kill you to watch a few reruns of "King Of Queens"?

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.