Personally, I don't need an excuse to hit the Big Easy. In fact, I like it best when the crowds have left New Orleans, hauling their hangovers back to whatever squaresville they call home.
| Super Bowl vs. Car Dealers Convention |
| Category |
|
Car Show |
|
Super Bowl |
|
Advantage |
| Fueled by: |
|
Gasoline, alcohol or electricity |
|
Money, glory or steroids |
|
Push |
| Free stuff: |
|
Car brochures |
|
Souvenir plastic cup ... Oh, wait, you have to pay $10 for the
soda inside of it |
|
Car show |
| Question of the day: |
|
How can we compete with the Japanese? |
|
Did Ray Lewis stay in his room last night? |
|
Car show |
| Halftime show: |
|
Wannabe Playboy models introducing cars they know nothing about |
|
Rock musicians performing with pop stars they know nothing about |
|
Car show -- more fake breasts, but barely |
| Ticket prices: |
|
$7 ($5 with 7-11 coupon) |
|
$300 ($1,800 from ticket broker) |
|
Car show |
| Gone forever: |
|
Mercedes Benz air-conditioning knobs |
|
Victorious quarterback's job ... or was that just the Ravens? |
|
Push |
| Proper attire: |
|
Members Only jacket |
|
Painted bare chest |
|
Super Bowl |
| Number of Washington Redskins participating: |
|
Zero |
|
Zero |
|
Push |
| Questionable use of sponsor: |
|
Volvo bikini wax |
|
Metamucil Crunch of the Week replay |
|
Car show |
| Time to head back to the hotel: |
|
And now for this year's ashtray options ... |
|
Another interception! And that makes it 34-7! |
|
Push |
| Bourbon Street, 2 a.m.: |
|
Jerk from New Haven Acura grazes a busboy with a dart |
|
Losing team's linemen drop their tops and are showered with beads |
|
Super Bowl |
| Ex-Mouseketeer: |
|
Wanda Levinson, semi-retired manicurist |
|
Britney Spears, international sex symbol |
|
Super Bowl. Sorry again, Wanda. |
| Big innovation: |
|
Saturn finally masters the steering wheel |
|
Bud Bowl uses electronic first-down markers |
|
Super Bowl |
| Inspirational speech: |
|
"Let's sell the crap out of some Kias!" (woofing) |
|
"You men are about to participate in the most-watched
disappointment of the year." |
|
Car Show. Think small, be small. |
| Gruesome highlight: |
|
Super Dave pretends to drink motor oil |
|
Perfectly framed shot of a lineman tearing his ACL |
|
Super Bowl -- you're not fooling anyone, Super Dave |
| Media coverage: |
|
Dirty loudspeaker overlooking some gumbo shops |
|
Every TV network not explicitly devoted to cooking |
|
Push |
| Jaguars: |
|
Flying off the lot |
|
Sitting at home |
|
Car show |
| What it's all about: |
|
Bitchin' hubcaps and some flame decals |
|
An ugly ring and a contract holdout |
|
Car show |
| High drama: |
|
Two yuppie buyers, one Camry |
|
Score gets within a point of the Vegas spread |
|
Push |
| Smells like: |
|
Fossil fuels and car salesmen |
|
Nacho cheese, B.O. and victory. |
|
Super Bowl |
But some folks prefer to water their wild times down with a little shmoozing and a little networking. Which brings us to Super Bowl week. Let's face it, at any given Super Bowl the vast majority of stadium seating is filled with the ever-widening hind-flanks of the bidness payback. It's not Joe Fan's day. If it were, the league might have considered playing a people's ame in a cold city this year.
But big wheels keep on turnin', and the NFL begged, bribed and found a way to swap wild weekends with the Car Dealers Convention. That leaves us to ponder two lost weekends in New Orleans, with two very different gestalts. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...
