The Second Coming of MJ. Actually, the Third Coming, but who's counting?
Nick Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Washington Mike vs. Vegas Elvis |
Category |
|
Washington Mike |
|
Vegas Elvis |
|
Advantage |
The dream |
|
To win his seventh title |
|
To finally quit his day job at Stuckeys and marry a Priscilla
impersonator |
|
Mike |
Pride takes a holiday |
|
It's hard to stand tall in a jersey that says "Wizzz." |
|
Your last round of cosmetic surgery left you looking more like
Roy Orbison. |
|
Push |
Favorite movie |
|
"Space Jam" |
|
"3,000 Miles to Graceland" |
|
Push, and pass me the DVD for "King Creole" |
Tongues |
|
Clean, and fully extended |
|
Fat, wet and flecked with remnants of a burnt bacon and banana
sandwich |
|
Elvis -- you ever tried a burnt bbs? Lord have mercy! |
Signs of age |
|
No longer has to shave his head. |
|
A belt the size of the Hoover Dam to hide the undulating tide
of belly |
|
Mike |
Svengalis they may miss this time around |
|
Jerry Krause |
|
Col. Tom Parker |
|
Push |
Last job held |
|
Absentee general manager |
|
Absentee dad |
|
Mike |
How they get into game shape |
|
Round up some NBA players and scrimmage |
|
Round up some CDs and lip snyc |
|
Mike |
Can't afford to ... |
|
Sign any more starters |
|
Shoot TV sets in anger |
|
Mike |
Center stage |
|
The MCI Center |
|
Breakfast show at Binion's Horseshoe |
|
Elvis -- you can't double down at the MCI. |
Upside |
|
Wizard fans can cheer again. |
|
Elvis fans can squint their eyes and pretend you aren't a dead
ringer for Dan Blocker. |
|
Mike |
Motivations |
|
A perfect ending marred by an unnoticed offensive foul |
|
Great music shouldn't go to waste -- it should be ground into
livestock feed. |
|
Mike |
Compared to former self |
|
Older, wiser |
|
Younger, soberer, and still able to tie his shoes without
breaking a sweat |
|
Push |
New position |
|
Small forward |
|
Between the craps table and the elevators |
|
Elvis |
Sad moment |
|
A nearly blown layup |
|
Stuck in the buffet line behind a Prince impersonator |
|
Mike -- unless that buffet features a burnt bbs, baby! |
Tall orders |
|
Pretending the young Wizards have "potential" |
|
Hitting the high notes in "Teddy Bear" |
|
Push |
Dennis Rodman |
|
A fond memory |
|
An occasional duet partner |
|
Elvis ... thank you very much |
Which incarnation will it be? |
|
Bulls Mike, Baseball Mike or Nobody Beats the Wiz Mike |
|
Rockabilly, Hollywood or Bloated |
|
Mike |
Demographics |
|
Teammates so young they remember you from that cartoon
with Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson |
|
Audiences so old they toast you with shots of Ensure |
|
Push |
Tight fits |
|
Squeezing yourself under the salary cap |
|
Squeezing yourself into last year's jump suit |
|
Push ... hard! |
Time to hang it up |
|
In practice, you get schooled by Tyronn Lue. |
|
The night you get upstaged by a contortionist |
|
Push |
A sign of the times |
|
Your teammates are actually a decent CBA team |
|
Your "band" is actually a karaoke machine |
|
Elvis |
Damn! |
|
Can't officiate at a wedding |
|
Will never be asked to endorse underpants |
|
Elvis |
Playing weight |
|
Consistent year round |
|
Fluctuates depending on what year he's pretending to be in |
|
Mike |