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"Religions" come in all shapes and sizes. Why, this very website is but one tentacle of a cult whose members choose to sit at home in their underwear and grade out SportsCenter anchors like Mel Kiper Jr. at a scouting combine.
| | Guess which city this scene is from? | I personally belong to a "religion" that believes the very best times on Earth are available in the Crescent City, the site of this week's Super Bowl. Any Olympics fans who attend the Winter Games will find themselves in the home office of a very different religion.
Not to say everyone in Utah is a Mormon, or that no one in New Orleans is a teetotaler, but in the immortal words of J.J. Hunsecker, "Are we kids, or what?"
Salt Lake City and New Orleans -- sort of like the Beaver Cleaver and Eddie Haskel of metropolii. Enablement? Repression? Whatever gets you through the night, it's all right.
In the meantime: The Big Easy vs. The Big Teasey -- let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape:
SLC vs. the Big Easy |
Category |
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Salt Lake City |
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New Orleans |
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Advantage |
Latter Day Saints: |
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Joseph Smith |
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Ricky Williams |
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Push |
Polygamy: |
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An ugly remnant of the past |
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A savory promise of tomorrow |
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Salt Lake City |
Voodoo: |
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Convincing the IRS the church shouldn't pay taxes |
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Sprinkling gris-gris on your enemy's doorstep |
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Salt Lake City |
Oxymorons: |
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The Utah Jazz |
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The New Orleans Moderation |
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Push |
Frowned upon: |
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Caffeine |
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Sleep |
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Push |
Missionary: |
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A two-year commitment |
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A starting position |
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Push |
Garments: |
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The last wall of defense between you and your naughty place |
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What the stripper removes during the second song |
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New Orleans |
Popular misconceptions: |
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Karl Malone works for the U.S. Postal Service |
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Dr. John is a cardiologist |
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Push, and for the record, Merlin Olson had nothing to do with the sword in the stone. |
Annoying musical dynasties: |
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The Osmonds |
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The Marsalis boys |
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Push |
The streets are paved with: |
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Guilt |
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Vomit |
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Push |
Typical visitors: |
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Purists |
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Tourists |
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New Orleans |
Happy hours: |
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The 12th of Never |
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24/7 |
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New Orleans |
Sunday activities: |
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Sitting in a pew |
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Sitting in your puke |
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Push |
How to see a naked woman: |
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Propose, then wait five years |
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Throw 'em some Mardi Gras beads |
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New Orleans |
Funk: |
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The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings Snoop Dogg |
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The meters |
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New Orleans, although the Tab knocks "Gin 'n Juice" out of the park. |
Be afraid if your tickets leave you: |
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Sitting next to the posse of an athlete from Iran, Iraq, Somalia or any of the 'Stans |
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Sitting next to one of the Chunky Soup moms |
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You, and whatever God you choose to recognize |
Hot spots: |
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Abstinence Blvd. |
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Bourbon Street |
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New Orleans |
Who they had to bribe: |
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Every Olympic official |
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Every car dealer in America |
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New Orleans. Hey, bribe American. |
So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a hedonistic frenzy worthy of "Girls Gone Wild," the advantage goes to New Orleans. Biased? You bet, but hang in there, Salt Lake City -- I'm sure I'll regret the whole thing when I wake up with a headache tomorrow.
Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.
Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.
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| BIG EASY VS. SLC | |
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