Tale of the Tape: Big Easy vs. SLC
By Nick Bakay
Page 2 columnist

"Religions" come in all shapes and sizes. Why, this very website is but one tentacle of a cult whose members choose to sit at home in their underwear and grade out SportsCenter anchors like Mel Kiper Jr. at a scouting combine.

New Orleans
Guess which city this scene is from?
I personally belong to a "religion" that believes the very best times on Earth are available in the Crescent City, the site of this week's Super Bowl. Any Olympics fans who attend the Winter Games will find themselves in the home office of a very different religion.

Not to say everyone in Utah is a Mormon, or that no one in New Orleans is a teetotaler, but in the immortal words of J.J. Hunsecker, "Are we kids, or what?"

Salt Lake City and New Orleans -- sort of like the Beaver Cleaver and Eddie Haskel of metropolii. Enablement? Repression? Whatever gets you through the night, it's all right.

In the meantime: The Big Easy vs. The Big Teasey -- let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape:

SLC vs. the Big Easy
Category  
Salt Lake City
 
New Orleans
  Advantage
Latter Day Saints:   Joseph Smith   Ricky Williams   Push
Polygamy:   An ugly remnant of the past   A savory promise of tomorrow   Salt Lake City
Voodoo:   Convincing the IRS the church shouldn't pay taxes   Sprinkling gris-gris on your enemy's doorstep   Salt Lake City
Oxymorons:   The Utah Jazz   The New Orleans Moderation   Push
Frowned upon:   Caffeine   Sleep   Push
Missionary:   A two-year commitment   A starting position   Push
Garments:   The last wall of defense between you and your naughty place   What the stripper removes during the second song   New Orleans
Popular misconceptions:   Karl Malone works for the U.S. Postal Service   Dr. John is a cardiologist   Push, and for the record, Merlin Olson had nothing to do with the sword in the stone.
Annoying musical dynasties:   The Osmonds   The Marsalis boys   Push
The streets are paved with:   Guilt   Vomit   Push
Typical visitors:   Purists   Tourists   New Orleans
Happy hours:   The 12th of Never   24/7   New Orleans
Sunday activities:   Sitting in a pew   Sitting in your puke   Push
How to see a naked woman:   Propose, then wait five years   Throw 'em some Mardi Gras beads   New Orleans
Funk:   The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings Snoop Dogg   The meters   New Orleans, although the Tab knocks "Gin 'n Juice" out of the park.
Be afraid if your tickets leave you:   Sitting next to the posse of an athlete from Iran, Iraq, Somalia or any of the 'Stans   Sitting next to one of the Chunky Soup moms   You, and whatever God you choose to recognize
Hot spots:   Abstinence Blvd.   Bourbon Street   New Orleans
Who they had to bribe:   Every Olympic official   Every car dealer in America   New Orleans. Hey, bribe American.

So there you have it. It's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a hedonistic frenzy worthy of "Girls Gone Wild," the advantage goes to New Orleans. Biased? You bet, but hang in there, Salt Lake City -- I'm sure I'll regret the whole thing when I wake up with a headache tomorrow.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a website at http://nickbakay.com.





BIG EASY VS. SLC

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